Here I am hungover. In my temporary room, a lot of my stuff inaccessible or lost in the pile I've left of it in the living room. Where's my damn checkbook? I don't have a clue and though I should care, turning on every appliance in the kitchen before actually knowing what I was making for dinner makes me think otherwise. I made pizza, but feel like it is possibly the worst thing right now.
I can't think or focus, and focusing as always is hard. Worse when there is nothing to focus on. But I feel my blog has a purpose! My mind is numb and the damn light-bulb in my room is out. Its simpler than changing a tire, but right now I feel that my stench of Rum and the somehow acquired odor of weed that introduces itself over and over again is probably a good reason to not change a light bulb. Electricity doesn't like drunks, stoners or kids with forks. Being none, but easily mistakable as any of those right now, especially as I type while resting my head against the wall, I don't think its a good idea.
I also think its an odd connotation that when you're lonely you're emotional, and you're emotional because you're lonely.
"It's a vicious cycle, Mr. Reynolds."
Which it is, like everything else in life is, but I realized yesterday hours before the party, the cause of my reservations in relationships. Basically from the get go of my dating availability. Which is weird, because although I had a logical reason to not date in High School maybe from knowledge I did indeed have of things involving my mother and father's relationship, it wasn't till now that I can say and see it all in its affects on me. I don't devote to someone even if I love them for fear of that person crushing my heart. I can tell them almost anything, but in the one relationship that I did place my self into, and I can only blame myself, that's exactly what happened. It would only be after exchanges of trust that I can succeed past the head over heels part and truly and entirely be in love.
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